Beyond Survival

I have been indulging/ torturing myself with every teacher self-help book I can find. Tools for Teaching, The First Six Weeks of School, The First Days of School, and the list goes on. I am looking desperately for some assurance that I do, at last, kind of know what I am doing.

I feel kind of like I did when I was preparing to give birth for the second time: scared ****less. Before having my first child I had no idea what I was getting in to. Natural Childbirth seemed like a good idea. I mean, most women give birth, everyone is born, how bad can it be? I entered the process excited and eager, if not entirely relaxed. And then I experienced labor. It kicked my ***. I had never experienced anything more painful or difficult. I approached my second labor with this new information and wanted to run away screaming. Of course, this was not an option, so I opted for a professional birth coach and an attentive midwife instead. In the end, I survived the second labor, and now am the mother of two amazing kids. Maybe there is a lesson in that for me.

The problem is, by this point I completely understand what is ahead of me. I am not only not a first year teacher, but I am not a second, third, fourth, or fifth year teacher. This will be my sixth year of teaching. Granted, almost each year I have taught a new grade level in a new school, but I have taught enough to know that I have no excuses. There will always be challenging students, challenging colleagues, challenging classrooms (not to mention eccentric custodians, intimidating parents, and frustrating administrators). Whatever success or failure I experience this year I can only blame on myself. And this is a frightening prospect. What if I fail?

I have experience, a great classroom, a small group of students (18 at last count), and enough assumed intelligence to get me in to and through an Ivy League college... One would hope I could do more than just survive this year. I want to thrive. At least for one moment of one day.