Impending

Today we had TLC. Every good deed in education needs an acronym. Teaching Learning Collaborative. The idea is to bust out a lesson with the whole grade level and then teach it in front of one another, with each others' classes, twice the next day. Review, revise, voila. It's a good but exhausting process.

I have been feeling very insecure about my job. I know I am a good teacher, but it never seems good enough, and I have felt scrutinized, criticized and under-valued by my administrators. But today went well. I enjoyed the collaborative process, I thought I taught well in front of my peers, my admin was there the whole day. My annual review meeting is tomorrow and I have been forecasting doom, but after today I felt a bit more hopeful. Plus, the meeting was scheduled for 9:30, right during my prep. Who would fire a person and then send them right back in to the classroom?

At the end of the day I rushed off to teach the after school program kids how to add fractions. When they were finally out the door, at four o'clock, my administrator pops in. She always pops. There is always a nervous, woe-is-me urgency to her. She said, "There's a meeting at 9 am that I have to be at, so we need to change your meeting to 2:00." Bull shit. Not a good sign. And then, "And it's going to be a difficult conversation... So you may want to bring someone with you. " Fuck.

Fired. Not laid off, like my amazing husband a year ago, but fired. They have the position, but I am not good enough to fill it.

What the fuck am I going to do? How can I face the prospect of not teaching. Not being A Teacher. I am A Teacher. It's not what I do, it's who I am. Plus, we need an income.

What to do.

Tomorrow at two, time will tell.