Overload

Teaching is enough. It is seven and a half hours (plus) of being "on." I have 19 living, breathing human beings for whom I am responsible for much of that time. Many of them are self-directed learners, but several of them require constant surveillance, reminders, modeling, reinforcing, forcing, otherwise strange hieroglyphs start to appear in the woodwork, calculators are mysteriously disassembled, work goes completely neglected, vast bodies of writing are produced on tiny pieces of paper and passed between desks to be stuffed into pencil boxes and pockets. I have ten preps a day, twelve if I count differentiating for math. I teach every subject and strive to reach every intelligence and learning style. When my students are at "special" or lunch, I am racing around to make copies, prepare chart visuals, research topics, consult with colleagues, or tutoring kids who have not completed work. I spend at least 10 percent of each day, often much more, counseling. Coaching kids on how to treat others with respect, how to tell a friend when they are hurt, how to give themselves a chance.

My point is that this is plenty. I should be okay with calling it quits at 3 pm, heading home to my family, grading papers by the television after the kids go to bed.

Instead I have decided to work at the after school program for two hours a week to make an extra fifty bucks and to get a few more minutes with my most needy learners. I have decided to run the drama club, which is my greatest source of enjoyment during the week, but which will surely demand more of my time as we approach the production. Once a month I have the library board meeting, which I presume will one day seem worthwhile.

I feel like everyone I know "does more." I hardly read books, for example. I fall asleep during all movies. I don't read the paper. I am not part of any clubs or groups or political organizations. I blog, sure, but only on a good day (or a particularly bad one).

So why at this moment is it feeling like my eyes were bigger than my stomach?

If I were "just teaching" (as my administrator has advised me to do), I would hardly be satisfied. Although it should be satisfying. For some reason I feel like I need to expand my scope of influence and associations. But on days like today I certainly feel spread thin. Maybe I should do less better than more worse. If that makes any sense.

"Just teach." As if that were even possible.